Before you read anything further, let me preface this with an apology. Writing this at all is stupid, and I know you don’t want to hear shit from me. But, it’s written, and it feels odd to not share it with you at all.

I’m sorry for how everything happened. I do mean “everything”. I’m sorry for how I used you, how I strung you along, how I was never truly honest about anything. You had the correct initial judgement of me when you thought me to just be a cowardly fraud. You’re a good, honest woman, and you try to see the best in people. I took advantage of that to just do what I wanted. I spent so little time considering you, or how all of this would affect you. Cause, y’know, you definitely would have found out that my heart wasn’t fully in it.

That was the main issue. You loved me with your full heart, and I could never dedicate all of myself to you. I couldn’t be that type of person with you. I wasn’t thinking of you as a life partner, but just as a ‘chapter’ of my life, and that’s horrible. It is. Nothing could be done to fix shit if that’s how I was thinking of you.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m writing here, Aapo. I’m opening old wounds for no reason. I don’t know. Every time I run into you my heart hurts and I know there’s nothing I can do to help you or to fix this, and I hate that. I’m both thankful for the time I spent with you, and for what you gave too me, while also wishing we never met so I didn’t have the chance to fuck this all up so badly. None of this is me asking for forgiveness, or anything at all from you. It’s just, stupid. I don’t know. I’m sorry for how I’ve hurt you, and for how awful I was. I hope you’re doing better.